It's funny how the blog entries are sometimes linked or intertwined. It's not usually a planned thing, it just kind of works out that way. Sometimes one thought or blog entry flows into the next.
That's the case with the tough love thing. Recently, I've had a realization--actually it was an epiphany--about another case of tough love that needs to occur internally. This realization concerns my weight. I've heard people who used to be heavy mention that even when they've lost the weight, they still see themselves as heavy. I have the opposite problem. I see a "skinny" person regardless what the image in the mirror reflects.
While I would never have classified myself as "skinny" or anorexic, I was always able to maintain a healthy size 4 on my 5' 2" frame throughout my twenties with little effort. My body seemed to maintain what I called my "happy" weight regardless to how much or how little I ate, or how much or how little I exercised. And I really took the whole thing for granted.
Now well into my thirties, I've managed to gain an average of 5 pounds per year for the last six years. That's an 30 extra pounds on my 5' 2" frame. I probably don't have to state this, but 30 pounds is a lot when one is only 5' 2". Of course, I've been aware of the weight gain for some time and I've been on several diets and exercise kicks. The problem is that somewhere, in my mind's eye, I'm still a size 4 regardless to what is reflected in the mirror. The Skinny Girl I see in the mirror is good at sabotaging my weight loss efforts by denying I have a weight problem.
The Skinny Girl is clearly delusional as this is what she believes:
Skinny Girl tells me that I'm concealing the extra weight with careful wardrobe choices. I'm sorry, but with as much weight as I have gained, unless I'm concealing my ass with a tarp I don't think any wardrobe choices can be that careful. Especially since I've been holding off on purchasing new clothes for when I lose the weight. When I inventoried my summer clothes I was surprised to find that most items are at least two to three seasons old. Many of the items make me look like a stuffed sausage--a look that is so last season. Actually, as far as I know the stuffed sausage look was never in.
Skinny Girl tells me that the extra weight I've gained is distributed evenly; therefore, it's not so bad. Okay, just who the heck gains weight all in one place anyway? Do I expect to gain all the weight in my big toe or in my left butt cheek? Okay, left butt-cheek, check and right butt-cheek, check. How does the evenly distributed butt-cheek weight gain make it any better than any other kind of weight gain? Answer me that, Skinny Girl.
Skinny Girl tells me that I'm not THAT fat--it could always be worse. Well, yes. And it could always be better as well. Just because I could be heavier doesn't take away from the fact that this is the most I've ever weighed. In. My. Life. EVER. Weight is such a personal thing based on height, body frame, self-image, and one's comfort level. It doesn't matter that someone else weighs more or less, it's about the right weight for each individual.
Tough love. I thought it couldn't suck any more, but I was wrong. As wrong as the Skinny Girl.