Knit Once, Purl Forever

Memory Lane

Make a left down the wrong aisle at the grocery store and you never know, you could turn right into a blast from your past and a trip down memory lane. Or so it was for me.

As I'm standing in the midst of all the cleaning supplies, I hear my name.  I glance up to see a familiar face, a face from long ago, the face of the best friend of one of my old flames. With a feeling of dread, I knew the conversation would soon land on the old flame and I was right.

"So do you still keep in touch with T?"

"No. We haven't spoke since shortly after my wedding--seven years ago." (When he called to see if I "went through with it" as he so eloquently put it.)

"Speaking of weddings, he just got married last summer. She's a real sweet girl from the next town over."

I don't know what else was said, though I'm sure we carried on polite conversation for several minutes before parting ways. I do remember the bottles of yellow, orange, and green cleaning supplies flashing before my eyes. It was as if I had turned into the liquid cleaner in one of those bottles. My thoughts were whirling inside my head, the room spinning before my eyes.

I felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach twice, the wind knocked out of me. And I was completely weirded out by my reaction to the news that I really shouldn't care about. I hadn't thought of T in years, and when I think of him it's never with regret or longing for what could have been.

I was even more weirded out by the fact that all those old memories were now all I could think of.

So, WTF?

I guess I just never thought he would grow up and settle down. Anything resembling normal was such a reach for the person I knew years ago. And all those feelings of rejection from spending so much time trying to make things work out between us, replace the fact that I was the one who finally grew tired of my exercise in futility and ended it with no remorse. I ended things with him, but yet somehow I now found myself wondering why he couldn't get his act together for me back then.

What was wrong with me?

Of course, I KNOW that it was never meant to be, as I'm happily married to The Hubby. That's the maddening thing about Memory Lane--you can't control where it takes you. And it doesn't have to make sense.

Garden of Disconnect

In embarking on this lifestyle change in my quest to become fit, I've realized that there is a vast disconnect between what I believe works and what actually works.  I think the disconnect is part of the reason my past attempts were less than successful. So, I've been focusing on a different area of disconnect each week.

Week 1: The Food Disconnect
I'd like to lose 20 pounds by the end of August as I have a wedding to attend and I would like to fit into something in my closet or maybe even purchase a sizzling new dress in a much smaller size. In the past, I would have followed the latest diet craze or fad in hopes of achieving my goal. Over the years I've followed them all: the carb diet, the protein diet, Atkins, South Beach--I even tried some grapefruit diet I read in a women's magazine once.

None of those diet plans work for me. Sure, I would sometimes lose a little weight here or there on one of those diets, but it was never permanent. Once I returned to my normal eating habits the weight would return as well. I need to address those eating habits as they are the main reason I'm on this quest.

This time I'm doing this the old fashioned way. I'm keeping track of my calories and logging everything I eat. That said, I'm really not limiting what I eat because this is a lifestyle thing and I can't realistically say that I will never eat candy, cake, or chips again. If I choose to eat one of those sinfully good but diet busting things, I keep track of the calories and log it. In doing this I found that just one tiny bite of the Hubby's cake or whatever is often enough.

I'm learning to eat healthy foods in the proper portion size and to avoid my habit of eating when I'm bored. I'm learning that it's okay to feel hungry, although I really haven't been all that hungry.

I still need to address the eating late at night thing. We often have dinner after 7:00 p.m. and it's not unusual for us to eat as late as 9:00 p.m. When we do eat early, I find myself consumed with the urge to snack late at night. I need to work on eliminating the late-night snacking even though I'm snacking on healthy food.

Week 2: The Water Disconnect
I know I need to drink eight glasses of water per day as a minimum, but I don't like to drink water so this is a constant challenge for me. I know all the tricks to this: the Crystal Light, flavored water, lemon, ice water to burn more calories. I just need to do it. Every. Day. This will continue to be a challenge for some time.

Week 3: The Exercise Disconnect
Exercising first thing in the morning works best for me in regards to my schedule. Hitting the treadmill at the gym early in morning allows me to get it out of the way and get on with all the things I need to do in regards to my job and my family. This causes the least amount of impact to my family. The disconnect is that I really don't enjoy running on the treadmill and there aren't many classes available this early.

The exercise plans that have worked in the past include fitness classes where I paid a small fee and walking outdoors--not walking on a treadmill. So, I've been walking daily and decided to sign up for a couple exercise classes at the gym. I plan to attend all of the available classes next week to see which classes I like best.

Progress Update
So far, I've lost seven of the 20 pounds I would like to lose by the end of August. It's just a start--I still have a long way to go in achieving my overall goal of losing 40 pounds total, but I feel healthier already. Better yet, I feel that I'm on the right track to making this a permanent thing.

Added Later: Tune in for a Trek Along update tomorrow.

Why the Woes?

A friend and I were discussing our diet woes when the proverbial light bulb went off above both our heads. Maybe it was a light bulb. Heck, maybe it was lightning. I know one thing for sure: we both saw the light.

It came about when I asked her about the diet plan she had participated in recently as I was considering joining the same plan. She started to explain that she had taken a break and needed to get back on the diet wagon, and then she suddenly stopped mid sentence.

"You've participated in something like this before, haven't you?"

"Yes," was my answer.

"Well then you know the deal. Neither of us needs an expensive plan to get on track. We know what to eat. We know we need to exercise..." Her voice trailed off.

"Nike was right--we just need to do it."

The light bulb is still on for me. Because, as simple as it  sounds, this is not about a diet plan. This is not about signing up for an exercise class. It's not about hitting the gym for a few days and then fading out. This is a lifestyle thing. This is a day in and day out thing. This is forever. No "woes" about it.

Added Later: Here's a good free tool to use in the event that you are embarking on the same lifestyle change. FitDay provides a place to keep track of your efforts.

KNITTING content tomorrow.

Apathy is the New Black

Apathy: 

1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

So I'm feeling bad. I'm fearing that my previous motivation and competitive edge have been replaced with apathy when it hit me: Apathetic people don't sit around worrying about where the motivation has gone. They don't worry  about, nor do they mourn the loss, of motivation because you can't miss what you never had.

And I should know something about apathy because about ten years ago I dated the poster child for apathy. On the surface, Mr. Apathy had a lot going for him: looks, charm, great friends and family, a full time job and a joint business venture. And Mr. A was HHOT. One H is not enough to describe his brand of hot.

In reality, Mr. A  was often at odds with his family and friends; he slept on the couch in his parent's basement; he worked one part-time job; and there was no joint business venture. There were no ventures at all. There was; however, a bag of weed a week habit, which I identified as the source of his apathy. Apathy isn't a good quality in a boyfriend, lover, or friend. Needless to say, our relationship didn't last long. But did I mention that he was HHOT?

I did learn a few things during our brief relationship. Mr. A blamed everyone except Mr. A for his problems in life. He complained about his lot in life, but never looked inside himself for a solution to his troubles. Instead he embraced his black cloud of apathy.

I don't want to do that. And I know I'm not. I'm sure my lack of motivation is just a passing thing. I'm sure it will return. It's just a matter of time and it will be back. Back in black.

My Flipflops Don't Have Bootstraps

Meaning of the phrase "pull yourself up by your bootstraps":
To improve your situation by your own efforts without any help from other people.

What motivates you? I often wonder what motivates different personalities. In my work experience, my successful co-workers usually fit into one of two categories: those who are very comfortable in their present jobs with no interest in progressing further and those who are constantly eying the next rung on the corporate ladder.

Now the people I have in mind for the first category excel at their present jobs. They have mastered their careers and they really know what they're doing. This is not to say that they are not still learning or growing as that is a necessity in this age of advancing technology, but they are very happy with what they do. They've been doing it for a long time and it is obvious that they will be excelling at their existing jobs for a very long time.They are very happy with their lot in life and not looking for change.

The people in the second group are epitomized by my first mentor who confided that each time she received a promotion she celebrated for five minutes before hatching her plan of action for the next promotion. These people also excel in their jobs, but they always have their eye on the prize and are always planning their next step. They take these steps after they pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

I used to be of the bootstrap group, but lately I've been less than motivated. At first I just thought I was in a funk and that the fire in my belly would return (and I'm NOT talking about indigestion), but now I wonder. I wonder if my previous motivation was inspired by something or someone other than myself. I've been lucky to have had some rather remarkable mentors and leaders. I've also had some fierce competition from my co-workers. Maybe my inspiration never existed within myself. Maybe I was never a "bootstraper" after all.

So I wonder, what motivates you? Are you inspired by your environment or does your inspiration come from within? Or is it a little bit of both? Do your shoes have bootstraps or are you like me and wearing lovely flipflops?

Toughest Love

It's funny how the blog entries are sometimes linked or intertwined. It's not usually a planned thing, it just kind of works out that way. Sometimes one thought or blog entry flows into the next.

That's the case with the tough love thing. Recently, I've had a realization--actually  it was an epiphany--about another case of tough love that needs to occur internally. This realization concerns my weight. I've heard people who used to be heavy mention that even when they've lost the weight, they still see themselves as heavy. I have the opposite problem. I see a "skinny" person regardless what the image in the mirror reflects.

While I would never have classified myself as "skinny" or anorexic, I was always able to maintain a healthy size 4 on my 5' 2" frame throughout my twenties with little effort. My body seemed to maintain what I called my "happy" weight regardless to how much or how little I ate, or how much or how little I exercised. And I really took the whole thing for granted.

Now well into my thirties, I've managed to gain an average of 5 pounds per year for the last six years. That's an 30 extra pounds on my 5' 2" frame. I probably don't have to state this, but 30 pounds is a lot when one is only 5' 2".  Of course, I've been aware of the weight gain for some time and I've been on several diets and exercise kicks. The problem is that somewhere, in my mind's eye, I'm still a size 4 regardless to what is reflected in the mirror. The Skinny Girl I see in the mirror is good at sabotaging my weight loss efforts by denying I have a weight problem.

The Skinny Girl is clearly delusional as this is what she believes:

Skinny Girl tells me that I'm concealing the extra weight with careful wardrobe choices. I'm sorry, but with as much weight as I have gained, unless I'm concealing my ass with a tarp I don't think any wardrobe choices can be that careful. Especially since I've been holding off on purchasing new clothes for when I lose the weight. When I inventoried my summer clothes I was surprised to find that most items are at least two to three seasons old. Many of the items make me look like a stuffed sausage--a look that is so last season. Actually, as far as I know the stuffed sausage look was never in.

Skinny Girl tells me that the extra weight I've gained is distributed evenly; therefore, it's not so bad. Okay, just who the heck gains weight all in one place anyway? Do I expect to gain all the weight in my big toe or in my left butt cheek? Okay, left butt-cheek, check and right butt-cheek, check. How does the evenly distributed butt-cheek weight gain make it any better than any other kind of weight gain? Answer me that, Skinny Girl.

Skinny Girl tells me that I'm not THAT fat--it could always be worse. Well, yes. And it could always be better as well. Just because I could be heavier doesn't take away from the fact that this is the most I've ever weighed. In. My. Life. EVER. Weight is such a personal thing based on height, body frame, self-image, and one's comfort level. It doesn't matter that someone else weighs more or less, it's about the right weight for each individual.

Tough love. I thought it couldn't suck any more, but I was wrong. As wrong as the Skinny Girl.

Note to Self

It's May first already. It's hard to believe, but the year is 1/3 over. Are you where you want to be in terms of your goals for the year or your resolutions?

I'm not. I still have some work to do.

And that is all I have to say about that. Now is the time for action.

The Other Side of Tough Love

Who decided tough love was such a good thing? What's so bad about being an enabler? At least everyone is happy and everyone loves me when I'm not pushing the tough love crap.

Okay, logic tells me that giving this person money, when she has not addressed her fiscal (ir)responsibilities and the fact that she is living well beyond her means, would be enabling her to mess up even more, getting deeper in debt. I understand that. She has a problem. PERIOD. She has shrugged off real help in favor of being bailed out, yet again. But if I bail her out, yet again, she will never face the root of her problems. And I can't bail her out forever. I just can't. Unless I plan to win the lottery* sometime soon, that is.

I know this is true. I know I need to hang tough on this. No matter how many times she calls. No matter what she says.

I KNOW I'm doing the right thing.

But you know something about this tough love stuff? The thing they don't say when they talk about the greatness that is tough love?

Tough love sucks. Or maybe I'm just not tough enough for the tough love.

* I ALWAYS plan to win the lottery, it just hasn't happened yet...

No Talk, All Action

Earlier in the week, I caught a snippet of an old interview with a much younger, and very cute I might add, Brad Pitt. The reporter asked him what his future goals were and he replied that he would rather not say as he would rather work towards them than talk about them. His answer stopped me in my tracks. Or, rather, it would have had I been making tracks.

Over the years, I have spent many hours admiring Brad for his undeniable hunkiness, but I have to say I've never been in awe of his wit.  Now, it could be that I was always too busy drooling over the hotness that surrounds him. Whatever the case, I can really relate to what he said about his goals as that's how I feel as well. It seems that whenever I voice my goals out loud, I lose momentum. And, really, what good does it do to talk about them? Who really cares to hear about them?

I decided that this year would be different. As I like to say: 2006 Kicks!

And here it is halfway into January and I still haven't made any resolutions for the new year--not any that I've communicated with others.  Instead, I recorded my goals for the year in a private, password protected blog. And I made that blog my home page. The thought process behind this is that it will help in achieving my goals if they are the first thing I see whenever I surf the Internet. In fact, the rule is that I have to post an update to my Goal Blog before I can browse to another site.

Is it working? Yes, I believe it is. But I can't really talk about it.

LATE-BREAKING KNITTING NEWS
Still working on the red scarf for the Red Scarf Project. I don't have a photo as it really hasn't changed much--it's just a bit longer. Plus, this thing doesn't seem to like having its picture taken. I did see a cute button for the project over at Norma's. Check this out:

Pretty cute, huh?

And of course I read all about the newest knit-along craze, Yarn Harlot's Knitting Olympics.

Am I joining this? OH, HELL NO! I have too much going on to commit to completing a project in 16 days. I don't need the stress, thankyouverymuch! No, instead I'm joining the Homer Simpson Olympic Knit-along! We're not starting any new projects during the Olympics and completing a project gets you kicked off the island. AND we're too lazy to make a button, so there.

UPDATE: We have a (non)button! Here's the Homer Simpson Olympic Knit-Along Not a Button button:

That's it in my world. It's not much, but it's mine! I'm afraid that no talk, all action may make for a very dull blog. =(

Reality Monday

Once upon a time, Monday was the hardest day of the week due to my workload. If I could make it through Monday without completely losing my mind, the rest of the week would be a breeze. At the end of the day, I felt as though my brain was completely fried--that's when I discovered the joy of Reality Monday. Reality Monday consists of vegging out in front of whatever reality show I can find--the cheesier the better.

My current job doesn't consist of more challenges on Monday than on any other day; however, I still find myself drawn to the siren song of bad reality TV. I actually crave it. And while watching The Bachelor tonight, I thought of a new spin for Reality Monday. Something for my blog.

The idea is to share a little knitting reality,  by sharing a little more than the norm. I share things here, but I don't always share EVERYTHING. I don't always mention the concerns because I don't always want you to know how neurotic I am.  But for today, and only today, it's okay because it's Reality Monday.

Reality Knitting: Meet the Red Scarf

For some reason, I can't seem to get a decent picture of this thing, but I will still try to describe my issues.

First up, how narrow is too narrow for a scarf?  I envisioned a long, narrow scarf, but now I'm concerned that it won't be wide enough. Unblocked, the scarf is 4 inches wide. Is that wide enough? I think it might stretch out one inch during the blocking process, but I still wonder if 5 inches is even wide enough.

My next issue involves the quality of my stitches. They're not always even. I know that some of that comes out in blocking, but some of it doesn't. I see perfect, even stitches on your blog, and that makes me think that I'm just a bad knitter. I'm not going to stop knitting, mind you, but I do wish for perfect, even stitches. Or maybe this pattern is making my stitches look odd. I'm not sure.

In spite of those little issues, I really like the way the scarf is turning out. I like that the pattern is the same on both sides. I like that the pattern is simple, yet interesting. I like that it's easy to measure my progress based on how many rows of squares are knit. I like the deep red of this color (it's much darker than the color in the photo). I like the softness of this yarn.

I guess there's more that I like than that which I don't like. The red scarf stays.